I’m sure that you’re very much aware of the ten commandments. Yes I know there are actually hundreds of the little blighters in the bible, but I’m talking about the famous ones. You know, the ones that made it into the films.
But there is clearly a problem.
Put simply, I think they were published before they were ready. First draft as it were… The proof readers weren’t paying attention. If they had, then the ten commandments would look quite different.
Think about it. We are told that these commandments came directly from God, down to Moses and there are ten of them that absotively posilutely cannot under any circumstances be broken.
And it’s a big ‘but’, that’s why I added the exclamation mark. But, these ten commandments are broken in the bible time and time again, sometimes on the direct order of old Beardy Man In The Sky himself.
Perhaps we need to tweak ’em a bit to, you know, lose a few of the biblical contradictions we hear so much about. I’ll look at the first five in this post and round it off with the last five in my next post
Commandment One – Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me.
Seems reasonable at first glance, however, several times in the bible we are told that there is no other god:
“Yahweh, He is God; there is no other besides Him.” Deuteronomy 4:35
“Before Me there was no God formed, And there will be none after Me.” Isaiah 43:10
“I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like Me” Isaiah 46:9
That’s just three quotes from the bible out of about 40 that I found using Google and three spare seconds I had.
So if God is the only God, then surely there’s no other Gods, quite like God for anyone to worship instead of him. Or is that just me?
There should be no need for the real God Shady to please stand up.
Another big ‘but’ right here…
In other places, he has things like this to say:
“You shall not go after other gods, the gods of the peoples who are around you” Deuteronomy 6:14
“Pay attention to all that I have said to you, and make no mention of the names of other gods, nor let it be heard on your lips.” Exodus 23:13
Make your mind up, Gandalf! Either there are other gods kicking about and best not to worship them or there aren’t, in which case no need to mention them anyway.
Best we change this one then so it says:
Commandment One: I refuse to confirm or deny that other gods may (or may not) exist, but best thing for you is to pretend they don’t exist, even if they did, which they don’t and just worship me. Okay?
Not an elegant solution I’ll grant you that, but at least we’ve covered the bases properly.
Okay then. A job well done, let’s move on to the next one shall we?
Commandment Two – Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Yet again, seems fair Oh Heaven Meister, except… No graven images? None? At all?
Everyone knows about the golden calf in the desert and the episode of ethereal pissiness that started, eh? God got quite a fucking sad on over that little debacle.
But does it not include crucifixes then? Statues of Jeezus? Your archangels and what have you dotted about in every church and cathedral everywhere?
Ooh ooh! Does that include paintings? There’s a lovely one of you on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Clearly this one needs to change as well then. I know:
Commandment Two – Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, except of me and my boy… Oh and a few of the lads, but that’s it! No others, or you’ll get a proper beatific battering, my lad!
Ha! Now we’re making progress. This is easy, soon have all those mista… I mean issues of improper interpretation sorted out.
Commandment Three – Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
This one looks like it might pass muster. Except… Well, the thing is, the commandments were written in order of importance and the earlier they appear then the harsher the punishment. As this one is number three on the hit parade, lets have a little look at what you can expect:
“And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.” Leviticus 24:16
You fucking what now?!? Jesus Chri… I mean Holy Fu… erm… Good grief! That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it? To be fair to you, Old Man of Beardy Goodness, nothing wrong with the commandment itself, but death? Really? Tell you what, we don’t need to alter this one, but I think we can rework Leviticus a bit, whaddaya think?
“And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be shouted at, and all the congregation shall certainly call him a right cunt, but nothing else, no violence or anything: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, then Archangel Gabriel shall come down and give him a right harsh Chinese burn.” Leviticus 24:16
Commandment Four – Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Yet again, nothing wrong with the commandment per se, but I think you’ve gone a bit overboard with the punishment again. Tell you what mate, for a loving god, you can be a right bastard at times!
“Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for swhosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people.” Exodus31:14
Erm… No. What about:
“Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be sent to bed with a smack on the back of the legs and no supper: for swhosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall go to bed hungry with stingy calves.” Exodus31:14
Can’t complain about that.
Commandment Five – Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother.
Oh this one’s good. Really good. Yep. No problems here. Except… Well doesn’t your boy come out with this little nugget o’ wisdom:
“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26
Only one thing for it, I’m afraid:
Commandment Five – Honour thy father and thy mother, unless you want to hang around with Jeezus and a bunch of rough sailor types, in which case your mum and dad can go fuck themselves!
Commandment Six – Thou Shalt Not Kill.
Well, this is easy, can’t go wrong with this one. No killing, got it! Okay, we can just move right on to commandment sev… Oh hang on just a cherub-choking minute! No killing eh? Are we sure about that?
Ahem! Allow me to direct your attention to these
“Prepare slaughter for his sons because of the guilt of their fathers, lest they rise and possess the earth, and fill the face of the world with cities.” Isaiah 14:21
“So the people shouted, and the trumpets were blown. As soon as the people heard the sound of the trumpet, the people shouted a great shout, and the wall fell down flat, so that the people went up into the city, every man straight before him, and they captured the city. Then they devoted all in the city to destruction, both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep, and donkeys, with the edge of the sword.” Joshua 6:20-21
“They warred against Midian, as the Lord commanded Moses, and killed every male.” Numbers 31:7
I think we’ve seen enough, don’t you? Looks like this one could have been a good ‘un, but no. God had to fuck it up by completely disregarding it himself. Okay then:
Commandment Six – Thou shalt not kill, unless they have something you want and God says its okay, what with them being heathens and everything, but don’t think you believers are safe, anyone caught picking up sticks on the Sabbath, well they can expect their social calendar to be vastly reduced as well.
You know what? I’m beginning to think this God bloke is a bit unstable. But we have four left, so there’s still time for him to redeem himself.
Commandment seven – Thou shalt not commit adultery
Cool, sanctity of marriage and all that. Bang alongside that idea. Although… I think we all know what I’m going to say next…
Have you seen the punishment? I would have thought a quickie divorce and a financial shredding would have been ideal, but no! Your gonna lose more than your credit rating if you indulge in backdoor action with the neighbours, I mean adultery, not anal! Get your mind out of the gutter please!
“And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Leviticus 20:10
The death penalty for shagging about? You’re fucking kidding me! That is clearly over the top!
Not only that but:
“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28
Thought crimes? What is this? Airstrip One in 1984?
I wouldn’t mind, I mean harsh but fair I suppose, but then God had to fuck it up by letting this happen:
“They said to him, ‘Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?’ This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, ‘Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.’ And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground.” John 8:4-11
So then, rewrite number seven here we come…
Commandment seven – Thou shalt not commit adultery and that includes thinking about it, even idle daydreams about that young lady who lives at No 23. Because that’s gonna get you iced, my lad and no mistake… Unless my boy’s about and lays down one of his pithy one liners… Then it’s okay, just don’t make a habit of it!
I’m getting a headache. I really don’t want to, but I suppose I must.
Commandment eight – Thou shalt not steal
Okay I think this one might be good, after all, who likes thieves? Not me for starters. So this one might just be able to remain untouched.
However, there is a fly in the ointment, and a fairly major one at that. When I say major, I mean this particular fly has the wingspan of a DC fucking 10!
And it’s this. The punishment:
“If a man shall steal an ox, or a sheep, and kill it, or sell it; he shall restore five oxen for an ox, and four sheep for a sheep. If a thief be found breaking up, and be smitten that he die, there shall cno blood be shed for him. If the sun be risen upon him, there shall be blood shed for him; for he should make full restitution; if he have nothing, then he shall be sold for his theft.” Exodus 22:1-3
A fine and pay for what you stole, no problem, but if you haven’t got anything to cover the cost then you get sold into slavery? Really? Fucking slavery?
Look, the bible is the ultimate word of God, yes? And God is the ultimate moral being, agreed?
Slavery on the other hand is quite a bad thing, I’m sure we also agree on that.
If God, the ultimate morally good being condones slavery which is way down at the other end of the moral spectrum, then he can’t be absolutely morally good. He just can’t. But as he’s God, then by definition, he is.
Don’t think too hard about it, you could rip a hole in the space-time continuum and then where would we be?
Commandment eight – Thou shalt not steal. Really, just don’t. I mean it, otherwise it could mean the end of life, the universe and everything.
Phew! I think we got away with that one, quick move on before anybody notices.
Commandment nine – Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
Okay, no lying about stuff. Cool. I think we’re back on track and this one just might be the one to get God back in our good books (no pun intended).
You guessed it, another fucking problem!
Look at this:
“A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish.” Proverbs 19:9
“But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” Revelations 21:8
Telling little fibs is as bad as murder? How the fuck does that work? Tell a porkie and you get to spend all eternity in a really, really hot bath. Sorry, but that seems fucking harsh to me!
Anyway, in another place it says:
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” John 1:9
So really, what you’re saying is… Don’t tell fibs cbecause that makes you as bad as Hitler, you bastard! But if you say sorry to a priest, then we’re all smiles again. No mention of making up for any of the hurt your lies might have caused.
Commandment nine – Thou shalt not bear false witness, but if you do and you want to get out of a one way ticket to the hot place, then nip to church and say sorry to God, but not the bloke you lied about. Fuck him.
Okay God, this is the Last Chance Saloon as far as you and your Godawful (sorry) commandments are concerned.
Commandment ten – Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s house; Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbour’s
Oh for fuck’s sake! Another thought crime. And this one is ridiculous! What is the point of doing your best to get on and make something of yourself without having something to aspire to? Really. What’s the point? Everybody looks at what his better off neighbour has and thinks to himself, “I could do with some of that.”
And why not? Human aspirations are what fuels human endeavour and human progress. Without it, we’d be stuck back in the dark ages. Or more likely the Stone Age!
Maybe that’s what God wants. For humanity to remain as uneducated and emotionally stunted as all those people in his bible. And why? Simple, an ignorant and uneducated population is so much easier to control.
But this flies in the face of what God says about loving us all. If God loved us, then he would be bang alongside scientific and engineering progress. He’d have supplied blueprints for an aircraft carrier instead of that stupid bloody ark… Which still wouldn’t have been big enough to carry all those animals.
He wouldn’t have made covetousness a sin, he would have made it fucking mandatory!
Commandment ten – Thou shalt not covet anything at all ever! Because I want you all back in those caves, banging the rocks together. I don’t love you, never did. And the less educated you are the easier it for me to act like the proper cunt that I am!
Right! We did it. We rewrote the ten commandments to make them more truthful and less sanctimonious.
I know that there are loads of others in the bible. Feel free to tweet me or drop a comment in the box below if you think some of them could do with a rewrite.